By: William G. Muir
Oh boy, today’s topic is a good one, if you won the lottery. This is something I have been thinking about since I turned 18 and could legally buy a lottery ticket. I know exactly what I would do with the money. I tell you this, I am not making any dumb promises like if I win the lottery I will still come into work, or that the money will not change me. Fuck yeah the money is going to change me. Cause I will be rich B****, And the first think I am doing when I hit it big is call who ever I am working for at the time, from the plane taking me to California and I am telling him I am done, see ya!
Before I get to the good stuff. we have to figure out how much money I end up with. And since I want to know the exact amount I am going to have in the bank, and that I want it all up front I am going to go with the after taxes sum. I figured in today’s market if I walk away with at least $50 million dollars I should be able to do all the things I want to do. Not that I wouldn’t mind having more, but we need to establish some kind of ground floor here.
While I am being serious here lets knock out all the none fun stuff I would do with the money. Of course I am going to give something to charity, even if I was a cold hearted bastard I would give a token amount, just so people didn’t think of me as a cold hearted bastard. I would take a million of it and set up some secure long term investments. I would then buy my mother a new home and give her 2 million dollars. My two sisters would also get new homes and 5 million a piece. I would then start trust funds for my nieces and nephews, that way if they wish to go to college they won’t have to pay for it out of their pocket.
Now I figure the bulk of my lottery winnings will go to my pet project, finding the Loch Ness monster. Since Nessie doesn’t exist I see this project going on for number of years. I mean I expect it will take several years to search every inch of that lake to make sure she is not there. It is going to be a very grueling process as well, made even more difficult by the fact the equipment I plan on using is nothing more than a few fishing poles and several cases of beers. If we can’t find a lake monster while my friend and I are drunk off our asses, she just doesn’t exist.
After I return from my fishing trip…I mean my expedition to find Nessie, I will begin my next big project. I will gather photos of as many of the identical twins in the world as I can. Then I am going to take some of those photos and crop the heads of the twins on to each others body. Then I am going hold an exhibit so that people can come and try to guess which photos have been altered. Why do this, because I am rich and I can!
I will then open up a camp where rich kids get to go to war torn third world countries and be part of the child armies there. If they survive then it counts towards college credits.
For the parents of the rich kids, and for anyone who wished to work in Hollywood, I am opening the ultimate fitness club. Since they are obsessed with there looks and being thin. I fly them over to some Southeastern Asian village where I have set up WWII and Korean War type P.O.W…I mean fitness camps. There they will get the same fine treatment as the guest of those two wars experienced. They are guaranteed to lose those few pesky extra pounds, or they get their money back.
I then want to start a successful rock band. After several hit records and at the peek of the band success I want to kicked out of the band. Then after a few years of drug addiction, alcohol abuse and almost getting my throat sliced open by a prostitute I will enter rehab. Where I find religion, I am thinking maybe one of those Eastern ones so I can seem all enlightened. Or maybe I will go with a neo-pagan one so that all kind of strange rumors can be started about me. I will then start a cover band so that I can advertise by saying looks and sounds like the real thing.
I will then try what many a rich man has attempted to do. I will circumnavigate the earth with a balloon. But since I like to be different and have my own style I will not be in the balloon. It will be a remote control toy hot air balloon. (Do they make those? If not I will have one made.) I will then be sitting in my bunker (yeah I am going to have a bunker built. Why? Why not?) and control it through by series of satellite hook ups.
I will ask actress/comedian/musician/artist Kate Micucci out on a date. I happen to like her.
I guess some where in there I will find time to do the other things people do when they win the lottery. I will buy a great big house, and several fancy cars. I will take vacations to places that I have always wanted to visit. I’m going to England, Scotland, France, Germany and Japan. I will buy paintings and real estate for the investment value. I will either open my own business or buy into one. I am thinking I would like to own a minor league sports team, most likely basketball.
I can’t forget about my back up plan. Just in case something goes wrong, and I lose all my money, I will have something to fall back on. You see the very first thing I am going to do is take a million dollars in cash and hide it somewhere. That way when I ultimately fuck up and they come and take away all the things I own, I can dig up that last million dollars and live on it.
Every time I enter a room I will be accompanied by The Million Dollar Man’s ring music.
And finally since I have Scottish blood running through my veins I probably won’t be doing any of this (with the exception of helping out my family, and hiding a million dollars).