By William G. Muir
I said before that I thought this challenge wasn’t designed for a person like me. And by that I mean someone who is nearly 40 and is of the male persuasion. Today’s challenge is proof of that, what’s in your handbag? Now I’m not saying that a man can’t carry a handbag, matter of fact their are those that do. They usually turn out to be European. But as a rule a true blue American man doesn’t carry such a thing. Not that I have ever thought of myself as a true blue American man. I prefer to breath through my nose, my knuckle don’t bleed from scrapping the ground when I walk and I don’t have a heavy brow ridge.
If the image that I painted wasn’t clear enough, I was describing a Neanderthal there.
So I could do one of two things here. 1) I could just totally ignore the the topic and write about something totally different. (BORING!!!) 2) I could pretend to have a handbag and write about what I might keep in this imaginary handbag. And seeing how I have already acknowledged the first choice to be boring I guess I will be going with option number two. It’s not like I haven’t had experience carrying a bag around. Back in school I use to have a backpack that I lugged my books back and forth to school everyday. When I got to high school I ditched the backpack for the laundry bag that came in my sports pack when I was on the football team.
I guess if I am going to be searching through this chimerical handbag I should know what it looks like. Am I the type to carry around a big bag, one big enough to hold the kitchen sink if I should ever be in need of one.? Or do I carry one of those little handbag that only carry the essentials? You know cash, bank card, credit cards, keys, check book, a condom because he is a big jerk off asshole who never remembers to bring one, and a tampon for when I get a visit from my friend.
Well knowing how I always like being prepared, I can’t stand not having something I need, I will go with the big handbag. I am also picking the big one because it has a strap and I much prefer to carry it hanging off of my shoulder than have to hold it in my hand. I am not to fond of having things taking up valuable hand space. You never know when you might have to pick something up or swat something away. Holding on to a handbag just makes things too complicated. It adds extra steps like having to put it down and picking it back up. Not mention remembering where you put it down at.
I am also pretty sure if I had the kind of handbag you had to always carry around in your hand that I would put it down somewhere and forget about it. Or somebody would walk away with it before I picked it back up.
What does my handbag look like. Do I go for a fancy designer bag, one that might look like say a kitty cat’s face or has fruit or flowers stitched onto it. Maybe one in some cool color and has all kind of zippered compartment on the outside. Or do I go with your plain old handbag that has one big open compartment with possible a hidden pocket on the inside. The kind that has just one zipper and that is on the top which keeps the purse closed. Or it might have a flap that snaps closed with a button.
This is a no brainer, of course I will end up with the ordinary bag. Even if I wanted a designer bag I would end up picking the one that was the dullest. When it comes to picking the design of something I kind of suck at it. I always end up seeing something I wish I had gone with after I made my choice. As long as we are picking what this bag will look like we should also pick the color. It will be black, because I like black.
Now that we have the inside all taken care of it is now time to take a look at what is on the inside. As with the smaller bag we have cash, bank card, credit cards, keys, check book, condom and tampon. What girl would be caught without any of those items. But what other secrets are we bound to find in my handbag? Well look here, there are pictures of all my nieces and nephews. Aren’t they just the most adorable kids that you have ever set eyes on. Here you take a look at them while I continue searching.
Will you just look at all these lipstick containers at the bottom of this bag. I tell you I can never find the correct color my complexion. Why is it that when you try them out in the drug store they look fabulous? But once you pay for them and walk out of the store they look all wrong? I think it is some kind of trick, or may it is conspiracy. I think make up companies must have special mirrors they send to all the drug stores or special lights that distort reality. It has to be something like that, how else would you explain it.
Then there are the extra pair of panties. You know, just in case you might need a back up.
Let’s dig further, shall we. It looks like we got all kind of club cards here. You know the ones that if you buy so many lattes you get a free small one. Then there is the number I got from that guy at the club last night. What a total sleazeball he was. His hair was slicked back like he was a greaser from the 50s and his shirt was only buttoned half way up. You could totally see his gut hanging out and his flabby man tits. What a piece of work! As if I would ever give him a call.
I’ll hang on to the number though, the next time I see Jackie I will pass it along to her. He seems like the sorts she likes.
I guess that is about… Wait a minute, what do we have here? I forgot that I had candy sitting in the bottom of my bag. Would you like a piece of hard candy? Oh just pick off the bits of lent and slivers of paper, it will be just fine. It has been in there for a couple of years, but it’s hard candy. It never goes bad.