By William G. Muir
What do I fear? That is today’s challenge. But where do I begin? To be honest with you I am not too sure what this questions is asking. Is this a philosophical question, I am suppose to name something that is holding me back from what it is I want to do in life. Or is it more of general question, and I am suppose to actually name the things that scare me. Either way I am just gtoing keep typing away until I got a decent length post here.
These are not in any particular order.
1. I am afraid that I am not good enough. No matter what it is I am doing, from writing, when I was getting my degree in Computer Electronic, when I played football in high school, or justing being being my I am afraid that I am doing something wrong. So to make up for the way I feel I work extra hard to compensate for whatever deficiencies that I have, imagined or real. You have heard it said you should give 110% well I go beyond that and I try and give 160%. But no matter how hard I try I never feel like I am good enough. Even when I get complimented on how great a job I have been doing I have a hard time accepting and believing it. It is because I so rarely get feedback of any sort, and when I do it is generally from those people who are close to me, friends and family. It’s not that I don’t believe them, it’s just that I sometimes think they are saying what they have to say. But in all fairness when a strangers pays me a compliment I am weary of them. I am pretty sure they are being sarcastic.
2. I am afraid of being successful. I have seen enough movie and watched enough Vh1’s Behind The Music to know what happens to people who get famous. I have seen how their success has changed them from the person they were while they were struggling to make it big, to the person they became after the fame and fortune. And while I am pretty sure I will never reach those heights, any level of success is bound to change a person. I like the person who I am. I don’t need fancy cars or a big expensive house to make me feel good about myself. I’m not saying I have the perfect life. I could afford to lose some weigh and I am still searching for someone to share my life with. But beyond that I am not wanting something that I do not have. I am happy being me.
3. I am afraid of being alone. I’m not afraid of being in a room by myself, that is not what I am saying. I am afraid I will never find that special someone to spend my life with. I have never had much luck when it comes to matters of the heart. I can count on one hand the amount of relationships I have been in over the years. And some of you might think well that’s not all that bad, that I have had some limited amount of success. That’s not so. None of those relationships have lasted longer than six months. I’m nearly 40 years old and I have never had a real relationship.
God bless my friends, they are always so positive and will not let me give up, even when I think giving up would be the best thing to do. But they are always there, giving me some bit of advice. Even if I have tried whatever it is they are suggesting, on several different occasions. And when they are not giving advice they are saying things like there is someone out there for everybody, or that I am a really special person and that I deserve to be happy and the right woman is out there for me. I appreciate what it is they are doing for me, but I don’t believe in the concept of a soul mate, and I have come to the point that I think the problem is me.
4. I am afraid of settling. This one is connected with being afraid of being alone. Sometimes I am so afraid of being alone that I am afraid that I might end up being with the wrong person. We all know couples that are just not right for each other and they end up making their lives completely miserable. I don’t want that to happen to me.
There is this one girl on my Facebook friend list that I use to be really close with back in the 90s. I have now sat and watched her go through one relationship were she was just in the best relationship ever, and had the best guy in the world and they were going to get married and live the happiest life ever. It didn’t matter that her fiancé had a roving eye and put other women before her. She was convinced that since she loved him everything was going to work out in the end. Then one day it was over, he left her. She went through the normal pain and humiliation that comes with being dumped. She even said she was going to take a long time before she got involved with another guy. She said it might take a year or two. But just three months later she was seeing someone else, and in no time at all she was engaged to be married. I can’t help but think she is afraid of being alone that she clings onto the first guy who says hello.
This is probably a needless fear, as I have already stated my utter failure at attracting someone of the opposite sex.
5. I am afraid to speak. I often times certain that nobody cares for what it is I have to say. There things that I want to say, loads of them. I don’t say them because I don’t think anyone would care. I have come to realize over the years that I hold views that are not compatible with what would be considered mainstream. I have things to say that others don’t want to listen to because it challenges what it is that they hold sacred. But I don’t say them. You might want to know why? That is easy, I don’t want to be that crazy guy who is all the time saying things that make people look at him funny and the cross to the other side of the street to avoid him. I have decided that it is more important to have friends.
Besides as a writer I can always put my thoughts into the mouth of my characters.
6. I am afraid of snakes. This one is the big one. If you told me to name the number one thing I am afraid of, snakes would it. I literally freeze in place whenever I see a snake. I was once playing golf at this little par 3 course outside of Jeffersonville. I hit my ball off the fairway into some tall grass. As I used my 5 iron to pull the grass aside to look for my ball I saw this long, gray, skinny thing streak away from me. Immediately my joints locked up and I was stuck there. I called over my two friends and they have to come and pull me out of the grass. There was another time I was at a friends house and he was showing off the new snake he had just bought. He asked if I wanted to hold it and before I could tell him no, he dropped it into my hands. It was one of those little snakes, just a little bit bigger than a shoelace, but it was big enough to frighten me. I sat there for the twenty minutes, not moving a muscle. It wasn’t until he took the snake out of my hands that I was able to speak.
There you go folks, those are the things that I am afraid of. I just hope that someday somebody doesn’t stumble upon this post and try to use my fears against me. Keeping my fingers crossed.